Another month. At least this is regular.

The last Les Mis show was yesterday…so moving. Almost everyone was crying, including myself. It sounded like Alex (Valjean) was crying during the epilouge, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t put it past him to be acting so well I thought he was. Whatever happened, it made me cry. This is the last time I will do this scene, last time I will sing this song, last time I will destroy my face with mic tape. This show has been SUCH a journey, I don’t even know how to begin to describe it. God has certainly pulled me through, so much better than I would have if I had tried. So much better than I was doing at first. Such lessons learned too. It’s always this way, if I’m open to the learning.

I am so blown away by everyone. Still, right now. Last night before I went to bed, I was reading some of my old programs from shows that they did before I was there, and it was so strange to finally know these people, not just from their program picture or bio, but truly know them. Well, as well as one can for the few weeks that I was open to knowing people. I felt a switch flip during a sleepover we had towards the end. I am ever so grateful for that too. I don’t know what happened, but it did, and it enabled me to have such an awesome experience, an experience that can only be orchestrated by One who can plan such things out for His good.

I am so glad I wasn’t a lead; I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to learn these things. I can’t even believe I’m saying that, after my ranting before. I’m so genuinely sorry for hard feelings. Isn’t that how it always is? You misjudge situations and people, and then usually things end up the opposite of how you thought. Reminds me of Pride and Prejudice.

I think I need to remember that learning lessons and growing are more important being a lead, even if that part was your dream role. Yes, I definately need to remember that. But sometimes that part you get coincides with the lesson. And then you forget, and think you got the part because you deserve it, or you worked hard enough for it, or you proved yourself for the director. But then the reality of it is, God had that part planned out for you since before you were born. And it’s just how His perfect plan is, was, and will be.

I think I’m talking to myself here. These are things I need to remember and keep with me. Another audition coming up (I hope), and things will be just as tough, as they always are. But God is with me, as He always will be.

I am so respectful of and admire three specific people who were in Les Mis. The funny thing is, I don’t even know them all that well. But I am very grateful for their swim upstream, it is definately appreciated.

I’m sorry if that was confusing. I don’t want to be too obvious online, but I needed to get it out.

Oh, I should probably acknowledge the fact that, yes, this site was hacked. I don’t quite understand why me, out of the millions of blogs out there. They only changed my index page (that I know of), so it was an easy fix. I needed to upgrade Wordpress anyways.

It’s too late for being sleep-deprived for two weeks, I need to go to bed. Even though I’m not tired as of now. I need to get up early (haha) and practice all my instruments.

Thanks for reading about my journey.

I remember this time last year. I had just come back from summer theater camp, remember, and wrote all about how much fun I had? I’ve been thinking lately about how much I’ve grown in a year…my relationship with God is so much more than it used to be, although I know it’s from from what it can be. And I think about my future now. What will my life be like next year at this time, two, three years from now? I always thought that when I got older, somehow I would feel different. It’s hard to explain…sort of like, “Oh, this is me now, but when I”m ___, I’ll be so much different, and won’t feel like myself anymore.”. I still feel like myself, like I haven’t changed at all inside. Yet, I’ve changed so much, just not what I thought I would change into when I was younger. And now I’ve talked myself in circles!

Sometimes I wish I could go back and live my last few years again. I wasted so much time! I am really behind in my schoolwork, and if I had kept at it, I wouldn’t be like this. But instead on doing Chemistry now, I’m here blogging. Haven’t I learned this lesson once?! And I wish I could be a kid again. I never really understood why Peter Pan wanted to stay in Never Never Land…wouldn’t he want to grow up and be an adult after a while? Now I feel like my childhood is ending, and I spent a lot of it wanting to grow up. I wish I could stay as I am now, and not have to worry about forks in the road and careers and choices and everything else you need to think about when you’re getting older. Just stay here, protected, sheltered, and spend my days learning and thinking without worry. But at the same time, I am excited for the future. I can’t wait to learn more about my favorite subjects, and grow into who God created me to be. And I truly cannot wait to do what He has planned for me! A future written by the creator of the Universe? Who would want more? I never really could relate when people said that before. Like, “Ok, wow, but you still control your life and God’s just sort of there for you when you need help.”. Now I really see that God actually has written your life, He has planned every second, yet still gives us free will. He doesn’t want us to be puppets, but to learn to trust Him, and give our lives to Him so that we will want to know Him and do His will. I have never really, truly wanted to know God before. He was just kind of…there. And I was supposed to tell my bad deeds to Him and He would forgive me and I would move on in my life until I remembered to ask for forgiveness again. And of course, he was just waiting to pounce on me until I did. I felt like there was a huge wall between us, and it could never be knocked down, as hard as I tried. A few months ago, I was at a sleepover with some friends and some events lead to that wall just tumbling down. And I felt God’s presence in the room, just enfolding me! It was the most amazing experience! Since then, I have tried to make God the center of my life, everything I do and say revolves around Him. And the thing is, I want this! I want Him to control my life! Sometimes I have the human feeling to just take control, and think that God doesn’t really care. And I do struggle with guilt from past sins. But I need to remind myself that God really has forgiven me, thanks to the amazing sacrifice of His Son, Jesus, who has made it possible to come to God directly. We are not worthy, but God accepts Jesus’ atonment instead of ours…no need to perform something for our sins, like a deed, but to acknowledge that I am sinful and Jesus has done the one deed necesarry for our sins.

I hope this didn’t come off as hypocritical or preachy…I do fall and make mistakes, I’m not perfect in any way, shape or form. But I’ve really been thinking about this lately, and as I wrote, it sort of changed into what it is now. I hope maybe this will help one of you guys, who is maybe struggling with some of the same things as me. If you have any questions about anything at all, please don’t hesitate to email me or comment or anything! I want everyone to experience the freedom and joy I am finding in God! I have so much more I want to say on this issue, you guys, God is just so amazing!!!