Now I’ll explain that post. I was so upset, depressed, crushed, angry, and shocked last night that I just had to get it out and no one else was awake. My audition was last night. I actually did a pretty good job, like there was nothing I could do to improve. Most other auditions I feel like I messed something up. I should probably give some background information though. All the other shows I’ve been in, when I didn’t get a lead (which was all but one, and Wizard of Oz was not a singing lead), my mom asked what I could do to improve. All of the directors said that my voice was “too pretty, too operatic. This just isn’t your show, ect.”. So now I audition for Les Miserables, which happens to be pretty much an opera. In fact, the sheet at the audition place said that for a particular role, you must be an operatic, classically trained soprano. (pretty much a definition of me) So I audition. And I wait up all night and don’t get a callback. You can guess what ensued; crying myself to sleep and asking “why?’. And so I call my friend, who is amazing (she was Dorothy in Wizard) and who also auditioned with me and didn’t get a callback. She said that they found out that some professional kids with resumes and headshots came in and pretty much stole roles from other people who have been involved with this ministry and organization for years. Like me. Auditions are just not fair, that’s the bottom line. But this just hits home so much it makes me so upset I want to puke. I’ve been waiting to do this show for over a year, and then I heard that this other county in CYT was actually doing it. I really didn’t expect to get the lead I wanted, but I wanted a chance. That’s what bugs me SO much. They wouldn’t even give me a CHANCE. For whatever reason, they totally disregarded me and my friend, and didn’t even truly consider me, and ask to do my best, on the same level as everyone else who is “good”.

I don’t really expect you guys to sympathize with me. You haven’t heard me sing, at least not since that stuff I posted over a year ago, which was awful. I just want to rant and scream and cry and pretty much quit singing altogether. But I won’t, I know that’s not what you do. You keep going and going until God teaches you the lesson you need to learn. What do I get out of this? I need a resume and professional background in order to get a lead now? I’m so judgemental. I don’t even know the cast yet. For all I know, they didn’t even call anyone else back for the role I want, and gave it to someone just from what they saw in the auditions. Could be me. Could not. Most likely not. God has a plan, and that plan’s way better than anything I could even dream up. I just need to believe that with my heart. I think that’s called faith; believing and trusting in the unseen, no matter what. This is so trivial compared to other issues, yet so imprortant to me.

I forgot to mention that being in a different county means that I know next to no one. That makes it hard for me, not being an extroverted person. But I know God will get me through this, no matter how hard it will be. It’s all in the mindset, and heartset, that is. Especially giving it all to God, into His hands, which is by far the best place to be.

Edit: Just now I’ve had such a change. God reassured me that everything is ok, and under control. This show is not out of His reach, as nothing is, and I have my confidence in Him regarding my part, and everything else. I would appreciate it if you guys could pray for me to not be jealous of whoever gets the part I want, if you feel comfortable doing so. Thanks.